I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
