he thought i was a dude.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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