Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
