She went from zero to smokin in five shots
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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