I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
