if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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