No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
