my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
