turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
