i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
