Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
