drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
