I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
