I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
