my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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