she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
