The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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