saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
