On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
