we have pet lesbian snakes
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
