I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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