I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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