i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
