non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
