Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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