I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
