I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
