and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
