I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
