when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
