I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
