I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
