Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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