Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
