How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
