So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
