you guys were way drunker than both of me
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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