I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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