I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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