At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
