i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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