that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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