Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
