I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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