I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
