after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
