I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
