it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Randomize
