fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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