On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
