I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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