I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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