Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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