It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
