Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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